New Year, Same Me, Less Porn
Hey friends,
Thanks for being here. I will keep this short and sweet. This blog post (below) was meant to be posted on December 15th, but with my website being down, didn’t get published until December 30th. Consider this an invitation to use 2022 as a way to gradually minimize and then maybe even fully eradicate (destroy) your habitual use of free, unethical porn.
Thanks for your patience and I wish each and every one of you the happiest, safest, healthiest, most magical new year yet!
15.12.21
Christmas is coming, and the New Year quickly follows. The amount of pressure there is to subscribe to the “New Year, New Me” notion is kind of a lot. There’s pressure to lose weight, get fit, clean up our diet, and fix all the problems that plagued us the year before.
It simply is not realistic and the pressure is too much. So much so, that a huge percentage of us actually abandon our goals within the first 4 weeks of the new year. I don’t have any stats for you this time, but if you Google it you will find all kinds of reports that tell you how many people set goals/resolutions, and how many people fail.
There’s roughly 13,000 different ways to ring in the New Year that won’t make you feel like garbage by February 1st. So, let’s taco bout it.
Start and end with gratitude. A lot of people make the mistake of reflecting on all the negative things that happened in the past year. I’m not saying you shouldn’t reflect on your year, because you absolutely should and reflection should be a regular part of your routine to be aware of and make changes as you see fit. However, reflecting only on the negative stuff at the end of the year is a good way to start off the New Year pissed off and cranky. Instead, try reflecting on all the amazing things that happened last year. Reflect on how you survived a GLOBAL PANDEMIC and made it through to talk about it. Reflect on all the fun memories you made, maybe you traveled locally and made memories that way, or maybe you spent this time focusing on your family and enjoying quality time together, or maybe you learned a new skill, had a baby, changed jobs, started a business, started a new relationship, ended a bad relationship, got a new pet, the list is endless. These are all things to celebrate that you can look back on fondly. Don’t minimize your accomplishments, give yourself credit and take it easy on yourself. This is the first time any of us are living through a pandemic and experiencing the absurdity of lockdown restrictions and mask regulations. It’s honestly really insane, and I’m proud of you for making it through. Be proud of yourself too. What was the best thing that happened to you this past year? Reflect on it, journal about it, enjoy it.
Setting goals. Here’s where it gets murky. Let me start off by saying: you don’t need to set new goals if that’s not something that makes you look forward to the new year. You can set new goals any time, at any point in the year, so don’t feel like you need to do it now just because social media explodes with New YeAr nEw Me content every single year, over and over again, forever and ever until we die. It’s kind of exhausting AND it doesn’t work for everybody. So, here’s me telling you to give yourself permission to not buy into this bullshit. I can’t give you permission, you have to give it to yourself. But if I could, you know I would. YOU have to believe it’s ok to not set new goals, otherwise the same guilt and shame that plagued you last year will return. Now, for all of you who do like to set goals for the new year: please be mindful about it. Make sure your goals are responsible, rational, and achievable. I like to organize my goals into sections: spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, and professional. An example of a spiritual goal might be to start a daily gratitude practice or deepen your connection to God/spirit/source/flying spaghetti monster/whoever. A mental goal might be to start meditating once a day, or learn a new language. An emotional goal might be to prioritize more time with your loved ones, or to start journaling once a day to check in with yourself and your feelings. A physical goal might be to start moving your body for 30 mins a day by doing yoga, walking, lifting weights, martial arts, dancing, etc. And a professional goal might be to start a new blog, or start a new business, or to finally commit to that side hustle. These are only suggestions. Take what you need, leave the rest.
Ok so, porn. A lot of us watch porn. Or maybe you don’t. If you don’t, good job, you’re a better human than the majority of us. One of the very best things we can do for ourselves and our relationships is to stop watching porn. This is not exclusive to those of you in relationships, this applies to the relationship you have with yourself too. We all have a private, intimate relationship with ourselves and our sexuality. Unethical pornography - which is most of what we consume if you’re consuming free porn from the internet - has roughly 13 bajillion negative and harmful effects on our brains and relationships. That’s right, 13 bajillion, way more than a billion. Porn can cause porn addiction, which is actually really common. If you are someone who can only climax alone while watching porn, sorry to break it to you but this is the beginning of what could potentially turn into a porn addiction. Porn addiction causes erectile dysfunction (super common even in young men) or inability to orgasm. Believe me when I tell you, you don’t want this problem. Porn causes us to adopt unrealistic expectations of ourselves, our partners and the sex we have with them/ourselves. It reinforces diet culture and body shaming by only showing us bodies that fit a certain and very particular criteria. There are studies that indicate there is a link between porn and a shrinking reward system in the brain, which means that it takes even more sexual stimuli to turn us on and get us in the mood. Think about all the problems this can cause in the bedroom. Imagine: you’re about to enjoy sex with your partner, you’ve been waiting all week (or month) to do the dirty, you get naked and no one is turned on. Why? It’s not personal, it’s because we’re so used to seeing “perfect” naked bodies in porn and the media, that our brain forgets how to get excited over our partner who sits right in front of us. This isn’t obvious though, so cue mental breakdown for you, or your partner who now refuses to believe that you still find them attractive. Yikes. I hope this hasn’t happened to you. But, if it has, don’t worry, there’s a solution: quit porn. This not only applies to the porn you watch on your favourite free porn website, this also applies to all of the softcore porn content you find everywhere on social media. That’s right, constantly viewing booty pics and other “thirst traps” posted by your favourite scantily clad Instagram influencer causes the same negative effects. Giving in to these instantly gratifying behaviours do nothing but set you up for failure down the road. Do you really want to keep feeding the part of you that avoids all the hard work required to win the prize? Instant gratification is fine in moderation, but making a habit of it will cause you to lose the value of hard work. I’m not suggesting you sign up for “the hustle”. I take issue with extreme hustle culture, but that’s a whole other blog post. Ask yourself: Is it really in your best interest to scroll instagram while you’re on the clock just to view booties and bikini bodies and become sad? Is it really in your best interest to seek out those Instagram booties and bikini bodies while you’re at home and could be spending this time investing your energy with your family? Oh, and don’t be mistaken: viewing this content, especially daily or regularly, depletes so much more of your energy than you realize. Allow me to paint you a picture: you’re at home with your family, you’re killing time scrolling the ‘Gram, when lo and behold a great big juicy butt pops up on your feed.
So, I love a big juicy butt as much as the next guy, but you need to know that when viewing this content it stimulates your brain, it releases chemicals in your brain that are designed to fire you up and get you ready for sexy time. But wait. Oh no. There is no sexy time happening, because you’re on your phone in your own little world fantasizing about Lizzy Diamond from Australia who has made a small fortune off posting her beach booty. This is great for Lizzy, but not so much for you. Now, not only is your energy depleted, but you’re also sexually frustrated, and your once good mood is out the window. This is not the recipe for a happy and healthy sex life.
Not only is all of the above totally valid, so much porn out there is unethically made. So much of it is made by terrible people, who do terrible things, like participate in human trafficking and use their victims to make porn or perform sexual acts for money. The free porn you watched last night? You don’t know if that was consensual. You don’t know if that was ethically made. You don’t know if the people performing were paid fairly. You don’t even know if the people in the video know it’s on the internet. You might have just watched a human trafficking victim perform sex by coercion or force. Want to know the criteria to upload a porn video to those websites? There is none. Anyone can sign up and submit a video. Check it out for yourself, it’s not regulated in any way, shape, or form. I don’t know if you even need an email to sign up. Really take a moment to think about that. I’m not saying the whole world is full of monsters, but if we’ve learned anything throughout the pandemic, we know now that they are out there, and they are highly intelligent, wealthy, elite, and powerful. You know their names. If all of this doesn’t disturb you, check your empathy. Imagine if that was you or someone you love.
Porn isn’t all bad. There is ethical porn being made by sex workers, but it’s not on your favourite free porn site. You have to find it and pay fairly for it. Good sex and good relationships take work, and it might not be amazing on the first try. Communication, understanding, and empathy are all critical aspects to making a relationship work, and without them, you might run into problems in the bedroom. Quitting free, unethical porn is a step in the right direction if you want to give your partner and your relationship a fair chance. Your self-esteem will thank you for it, your partner will thank you for it, your relationships will thank you for it, and society will thank you for it because you are helping end the fight against human trafficking by making it harder for perpetrators to make money off their heinous crimes.
Speaking of survivors, if you’re feeling particularly abundant this year, why not donate a small amount to a local non-profit? There are lots of local spots here in the Annapolis Valley who could use your generosity. The Red Door in Kentville is who I will be making my donation to this year. Chrysalis House is another great place that could use your donations. The Waterville SPCA is also always looking for donations. Just an idea, not a requirement. Do whatever feels right.
ANYWAY, to reiterate: quit porn 2022 and donate money to a local non profit.
Also, enjoy the holidays your way and celebrate the New Year in a way that makes you feel good and happy.
Fill your cup first.
Love yourself first.
Stay safe.
#quitporn2022
xx Freya